Love and Relationship- A Reverent Path to Peace
LOVE: The experience of a blissful and highly gratifying feeling that elicits a deep desire and enthusiasm to live one’s life to the fullest.
In the dawning of morning light
In the sound of wind through the trees
An ocean wave laps upon the shore
and the sparkle in your eyes reminds me of
My reason for being…
At one with the essence of the universe
Feeling love motivates one to express /share this feeling externally -with another (personally or through some creative expression e.g. art, music career etc.) and when Love is shared there are some common characteristics that people express with each other:
Reverence, Respect, Fun, Compassion, Affection, Inspiration, Truth, Clarity, Harmony Trust, Centered, One ness
Unity with the divine….add your own
The two polar opposites that negate love or take us away from that feeling of being at the center of the universe are extremes of:
Constriction and Expansion
Confinement and Abandonment
Hot and Cold
Etc and Etc.
Yin and Yang
At times when Love seems missing from our life we are feeling pulled apart by extreme polar opposites]—a separation from LOVE and our sense of unified being.
Remind yourself of a heated relationship conflict you have experienced in the past-— the common denominator in almost every dispute is; someone is feeling abandoned (craving connection) and the other is feeling confined (wants space). The distance between people is often proportional to the quantity and volume of the words said out loud or spoken in our heads.
When people are feeling closely connected…whispers, silence, smiles and the language of our eyes, hands or bodies are the result.
IF it hurts it’s not Love:
Hurt is associated with the two antonyms of LOVE—Hate* and Fear*
If you Love someone and they leave you and it hurts then you are feeling something other than love- If you love someone you want them to be happy even if it means he/she is leaving you…. AND ….nobody leaves you and you cannot leave anybody you love.
LOVE or Lack of it is always Mutual.
Enough Love brings and keeps people together
When there is a predominance of Love people stay together
Lack of enough love sends people apart
When there is a predominance of Fear people move apart
People stay in relationship as long as they are willing to identify and transform their issues.
The image we see in a mirror is not an exact reflection. It is a reminder of something that exists within us that is looking for resolution. Until we become at peace with the associations that the image in the mirror reminds of, we will continually be exposed to this issue requiring resolution.
Sally says she tried everything to keep the relationship going but Sam was numb to his feelings and showed no effort- “He just picked up and left one day. Sam left me and it hurts.”
Sam may have appeared to be the one to leave. BUT there are both conscious and sub conscious attitudes and behaviors that are contributed by both partners, which ultimately disintegrated the amount of love that is necessary to sustain a loving relationship. There are no victims of love. Both partners participate in coming together and in breaking apart.
Every event happens be cause of choices we make to bring us to where we are.
While it may be easier to blame someone for why we are here today, it is wiser to take response ability for our contribution to the situation.
It takes TWO to Tango and it takes Two to Not.
Both partners contribute to the Love or lack of Love for both themselves
and the relationship.
Paul says he knows Sarah is his soulmate. He is deeply in love with her and trusts that one day she will feel the same. He sends her romantic, poems, jewlery, food, and flowers. He declares there is no other woman he cares for. Sarah says: “I love you Paul, just not in that way. We can be friends.” Paul cries every night over his unrequited love for Sarah.
Reality: Neither of them wants to be together in a lasting loving partnership. Paul is not in love with Sarah – He is in love with a deep desire he feels within. He gets more energy from desire than an actual shared love. When he gets to a place where he loves himself more deeply, his desire will attract someone who shares what it takes to accumulate enough complementary Chi to co-create an intimate loving partnership.
Remember, the mirror of relationship is not necessarily and exact reflection. Sarah also experiences some frustration albeit less intensely than Paul. She attracts the wrong men. Paul and Sarah mirror the same issue- Frustration. They get more energy from frustration than a unified loving relationship. This frustration may be the exact e- motion (energy in motion) to motivate their more genuine expression of pure love.
Fear is often matreializes in our relationships as a reminder of what we truly value. If one fears abandonment or confinement in a relationship, there are two healthy options:
1) Resolve the fear, which brings people closer and is the reason why it comes up in the first place—to bring people closer together
2) Accept that the fear is a signal to Love in a different way.
It takes one person to love AND it takes two people who love themselves to be in a lasting loving relationship.
Each person can express love and that love can influence the other person Instead of changing an other’s behavior, by changing our response and attitude to the other’s behavior, we bring love to the relationship.
John is too tired to take out the garbage after 10 pm. Mary is afraid to do it and gets upset that it sits over night in the kitchen. Instead of changing John, Mary looks within and resolves in herself that nothing will happen to her and starts taking out the garbage…. John sees this and for some uncanny reason decides that if Mary can do it, against her own fears so can he… and they both end up taking the turns with garbage removal. Her bravery inspired him to contribute to the relationship.
Forget the shoulds, the judgments, I am right? Who is wrong?
Leave out the primal separation of ego and listen.. en joy the resulting sweet song
If you ask people to write a list of what they would like to improve their relationship, you will see wishes like: I wish my partner would communicate more with me or I wish my partner would be neater… and any number of requests that try to change the other.
I wish the _______ (the other person) would ________(fill in the wish)
Basing our love and happiness on the behavior of an other disempowers our personal path to feeling and expressing self – love and is a sure step to sabotaging our relationship.
Remember:No one can change an other person
Everything we want an other to do is a reflection of something inside ourselves that desires attention and improvement
Instead of needing and trying to get Richard to communicate to others without sarcastic criticism, Jane can find that place in herself that accepts Richard’s communication style. After all, she knows he really means no harm by it. She can also recognize that avoiding sarcastic criticism reflects an aspect of herself that she is trying to be better at. As long as it is one of Janes’s issues, she will continue to be bothered by it. And the easiest way to feel the shift is for Jane to *GENUINELY change her reaction to Richard’s style by not taking it personally and to focus on her own desire to communicate differently.
Make a list of things you would like your partner to do, accept your partner for being him/herself and be more conscious of changing those qualities in your self.
You may be surprised how the shift of being in you own needs takes the focus off needing something from your partner and paradoxically influences your partner to also share in making changes. We can also without accusation or expectation, *GENUINELY request or simply give our partner a heads up of the change.
“Richard, I am going through some important changes on my use of sarcasm around the house. What’s your take on the use of sarcasm? –(this will start a dialogue where Sally speaks only of her own feelings and needs without assessing or judging Richard)
“Richard, I would really enjoy having less sarcasm around the house.
I’m going to cool my use of it because I feel a little sad when I hear myself make fun of people I like through my sarcastic comments about them. For me, it is hypocritical.
Sally, does that mean you expect me to be nicer (spoken sarcastically)?
Honey, This is a choice I’m making for myself and I simply want you to know how I feel about it..
The breadth of our love is measured by our health condition.
Oxygenation, circulation, blood sugar regulation and the gamut of other health challenges one expresses, all determine our health condition that attracts and creates complementary relationships with others to learn and feel the lessons of love with.
Lisa’s sensitivity to being pressured (confinement issues) that seem to come up when she’s tired is a sure set up for her to be in a relationship that brings up this issue. She will attract someone who pushes her buttons. The better she becomes at stabilizing her energy level, the more adaptable and focused she can be on more important issues in her relationship—and she is no longer a victim of people who pressure her.
Gratitude for Life measures the vitality our health condition.
How often do you thank your lucky stars for being alive? How often do you complain about the circumstances you have attracted? How often do you express appreciation for the people around you? Are you cynical about life? Do you criticize or blame others? When we are healthy in body/mind/spirit we view the world and all its relationships as a perfect opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth. Negativity is a sure sign of a compromised health condition and a threat to the safety of any relationship.
Success in relationship is proportional to each partner’s
attitude of gratitude/grace ful attitude
How often do you and your partner express (verbally or through actions)
The vitality of our health is directly proportional
to the vitality of the relationship we attract and create.
The healthier we are, the more adaptable we will be to the many challenges of relationship and the greater will our ability to stay together be.
Love wanes when the overall love/health of the relationship wanes.
If one or both persons’ love/health lacks vitality it can affect the relationship AND
All challenges arise because the relationship has what it takes to heal, love and get back to vitality
ADVICE: If one or both people in the relationship are tired or hurting, wait …. sleep on it. Exercise, meditate…become clear. Get back to vitality before making major decisions.
All challenges will bring up the two healthy options:
- Resolving the fear of conflict brings partners closer and is usually the reason why fear comes up in the first place—to bring people closer together. Our differences bring us closer as long as we have the vitality to adapt and resolve…to come up with creative out of the box solutions that satisfy each partner 100%…(and enjoy the reward of make-up sexand more importantly to feel a new depth of connection that surpasses our imagination)
Breathe…. feel the impulses that make us want to run—
behind this intensity echoes the sacred sound of divine silence
Stay with it –where is it in your body, breathe…circulate
Let this physical sensation fuel your vitality…clarity
the miracle of understanding surfaces.
Behind that mask of darkness comes the light of Love
see the solution…shining, radiating
brighter than we ever knew possible…and it is warm…soft..home at last)
- Accept that the fear is a signal to Love in a different way.
When the fear is based in a deep truth that would dishonor one’s integrity and ultimately cause harm to the soul, it’s time to change the relationship. This could mean the relationship changes to one that is more distant. This kind of irreconcileable fear represents a circumstance with effects that are too extreme for one to bear and still remain healthy. An example would be physical violence that will never change. Love can still exist in gratitude to the journey so far and the relationship, will from this point on look and feel different than what you might have originally thought.
Can Your Relationship Withstand the Test of Time? The 4 C’s
Do you feel an intangible yet compelling attraction to the other person? Aside from physical attraction, lust or magnetic desire, that are important, a connection also manifests as consistent (daily) pervasive thoughts and feelings about the other person and the resulting important relationship you share. These thoughts and feelings evoke support, desire and the inspiration to live life to the fullest.
Simply: Is the strength of your relationship greater than the sum of your strength as individuals?
Compatibility– Do you share a life dream? Do you have similar opinions on how to walk your life path, Do you share laughter and passion? Do you have ways to deal with your differences i.e. Are you reasonably comfortable with your “uncomfort abilities”? Are you compatible on the most important things, especially how you deal with the troublesome incompatibilities?
Simply: Do you like and love your partner?
Communication-Do you communicate respect and acceptance to your partner regularly and avoid rude and defensive communication as much as possible? The best communication tip is to avoid conveying anything that is over-flavored with superiority, over-control, judgment, insensitivity, dishonest strategy, rudeness or negativity. We quite simply react poorly to these attitudes and they cause separation instead of unity.
“words spoken in anger, instead of resolving differences
only create new ones”- Oksana S.
Another good tip is to make sure resentments are spoken instead of hidden or they will fester and chip away at any good commitment/ foundation of a relationship. The object is to talk about the resentments assertively without blaming or complaining.
Simply: Does your communication with your partner help you know your inner self better and are you grateful for the vulnerability you experience in your partner’s presence?
Commitment: Aside from usually un resolve able challenges like addictions, and physical or emotional abuse, are you both committed/ devoted to resolving any and all challenges together? (And that question is responded to with a yes or no answer).
Do you trust each other’s words to be consistent with actions? Do you instinctively consider your partner’s needs when making decisions?
Simply: Can you depend on your partner. Can you trust your partner to care for you as much as him/her self?
To score 100% on these 4 relationship qualities deserves a monument in the Smithsonian….. and the bottom line is that the sum of all our conscious and subconscious behaviors and attitudes will result in unity or separation.
Addiction: a state of dependence that harms /has a damaging effect.
We require emotional fuel- Emotions are like food –Without feelings we will die. Relationships are the source of our feelings because other people reflect qualities in our selves that nourish or deplete the hunger of our soul.
So we have the choice of being nourished through, healthy clean and vital relationships that eventually lead to enlightenment or through junky, toxic experiences that lead us to soul suffering.
Again, it is our health condition or the desire to change our health condition that determines the quality of our relationships.
Toxic relationships are mostly motivated by fear and pain and rarely stand the test of time.
Ultimately we will ask, is the Juice(result) woth the squeeze (effort)?
When making decisions for our self and for the relationship, ask,
which choice will bring vital health?
Does working 60 hrs a week improve or harm the relationship? Does sarcasm or ridicule bring vitality or burn out? What effect will kindness and compassion have on your relationship?
Is my decision motivated by Fear or Love?
If it is by fear, how can that fear point out what you value and be turned into inspiration? If the decision is motivated by love, a lasting relationship (of some kind) will result.
Many of our life patterns that lead to pain and fear are the result of subconscious patterns etched into the foundation (genetic karmic, social, cultural) of our body mind spirit that motivate us to sabotage our conscious wishes for healthy relationships.
BIG question —How do we alter or transform patterns that we are in the dark about?
Again it all comes back to our health condition.
All health problems are caused by living a life predominated by too many extremes.
High on alcohol or drugs-> hangover Burnout
Excess activity-> fatigue, pains
Too little sleep-> neurological disorders
Too many saturated fats-> heart attack
Too yang-> Too yin
Lets look at how we can affect our subconscious mind through moderating our lifestyle— creating a BALANCE that nourishes our health condition
Sleep-Are you creating extremes in your sleeping patterns? Do you get enough sleep and do you sleep deeply? What can you do balance your sleep and activity levels?
Sleep is the time reserved for our subconscious mind to work out the “stuff” that keeps us from feeling our natural vital state. Avoid eating before sleep, clear your bedroom space,
and impregnate your mind with affirmations and prayers before sleep. Conceive your supreme destiny. E.G: (can be done as you are falling asleep)
With every breath I feel the Universal Life Force entering my body. I breathe and feel every cell of my body being nourished and cleansed. I empty my mind of distracting analytical thoughts- As thoughts come I breathe them away and instead focus on these words:
The power of healthy change lies within me and
I am energized by all that is around me
My sub conscious self continues to move my body mind spirit to make decisions and actions that empower me by improving my health… vital health of body mind spirit
With every breath I am becoming healthier
My sub conscious self continues to move my body mind spirit to make decisions and actions that empower me by improving my health… vital health of body mind spirit
With every breath I am becoming healthier
Breath– O2 is our no 1 life essential nutrient and Co2 is our no 1 toxic metabolic by -product. Efficient breathing nourishes and cleanses our blood. Extreme ups and downs in our breathing patterns also affects the heart rate, blood pressure and are the root of tension, mood swings and anxiety. Slowing our breath through quiet deep diaphragm breathing improves the condition of our lungs. When our lungs are clear our brain is clear and instead of anal lies ing, creative solutions intuitively surface. Exercise and spend more time in nature away from polluted cities. Got a relationship problem? Go somewhere where the air is clean, feel the earth under your feet, jump in the lake, walk in the trees, eat a meal made over a fire and you will be surprised at the clarity you experience. Internal energy exercises like yoga, tai chi and chi kung (all based on healthy breathing ) clear the brain and strengthen the internal body as well as the outer framework.
Food– Extreme eating patterns are the next factor in creating vital health. Do you eat enough vegetables? How often do you eat junk food? sugar? Choosing organic wholesome foods over junk food that tax the body will allow us to use our energy for making healthy decisions instead of eliminating chemicals hormones and antibiotics. Better yet, grow your own food in a garden or planters on your balcony- planting seeds yourself and taking care of your own foods permeates the plants with a complementary energy customized to heal your body.
How is your emotional balance? Do you experience extreme highs and lows in your moods? Learn to feel before you react in a way you will regret. When someone pushes your buttons… Listen to where you feel this emotion. Instead of chasing it away by judging arguing, crying for pity, pleasing others, having a drink etc..take 5-15 seconds to feel the sensation. Use the breath to empty yourself of thoughts and use the feeling for healing. You will find that this slowing down and fueling yourself with the physical sensations found in your feelings will stop you from reacting in ways that damage your relationship. In the space of silent breathing, intuition, wisdom and compassion surfaces.
This method will help you to respect yourself and everyone you come in contact with. When in doubt choose peace.
Are you spiritually balanced? Do you have a sense of spiritual direction that you experience regularly?
When making a decision ask, does this choice move me closer to my dream in life or send me back a few steps. Cultivate intuition instead of your logical brain because over anal lies ing or rational lies ing your choices keeps us stuck in the past .
Emptying the brain through daily meditation/sitting quietly makes room for genuine truths-(truths that further consciousness and health) to surface.
Relationships are the root of our social condition on planet earth. The reverence we feel within and express outwardly in our personal and family relationships overflows, to bring peace to the planet.
Breathe…Feel…. and be love.
*Hatred is an emotion of intense revulsion, distaste, or antipathy for a person, thing, or phenomenon, generally attributed to a desire to avoid, restrict, remove, or destroy the hated object -Wilkipedia
*Fear is a state of being that ranges from a subtle to repulsive feeling of apprehension or distress caused by the presence or anticipation of danger. Fear, most of the time is initiated by t something that has yet to happen. It is a feeling that motivates us to act or run based on the memory of a past dangerous experience that we anticipate may happen in the future.
In the presence of actual danger people often report a feeling of surrender –a place where fear disappears. Fear exists in the present moment when we anticipate something that has yet to and may never happen at all, or will never happen exactly as we are making it up to be. I.E. Fear is usually something imaginary, AND if we consistently commit many moments/nows to the eventual happening, then it may eventually happen.
Genuine means we are in a place that is free of hidden agendas and this state authentically moves us forward to live our greatest potential. Truth can be sensorially or intellectually true but emotionally or spirtually false. E.g. It is true that I like chocolate coffee and alcohol. On a deeper level I resent (don’t like) my use of these because they contribute to a compromised state of health and wellness. Also telling the truith can be lacking genuineness if manipulation or judgment are motivating factors to say it.